Our Daughters Are Watching.

The relationship we have with our bodies is lifelong.  In fact, it begins before we are even conscious of this relationship and it will stay with us until our last breath.  Not only that but our relationship with our body is tightly wound into the relationship our mother had with her body.  As a fetus, we are housed in her cellular makeup and according to author Caroline Myss in her book Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing our biography becomes our biology (endnote)  Meaning, the stories of our life, the trauma, the emotion, the pain, the joy - they become a part of our DNA and our cellular makeup.  So the fact that you were made from your mother’s cells and lived in her body for nine months intricately links her story to yours.  The fact that she lived inside her mother then links you to your grandmother’s story as well. And this is all before you are even born.  Imagine the impact once you are out in the world, watching and listening to her every move.  Completely dependent on her for your survival, you will meet and match her energy to ensure that she sticks around and takes care of you.  Unfortunately, so many of us are walking around in a body riddled with shame and trauma and are ill-equipped if not completely unaware of the impact we are having on those around us, especially our children.  That is why this work is so important.  It is the work to heal not only the generation before us (as the more we heal the more our mothers heal) but also the generation after us. 

As a young child, there is nothing like hearing the sound of your mother wrenching and vomiting into the toilet.  It’s an animalistic sound that permeates your cells and leaves the hair on your skin standing at attention like soldiers awaiting orders from the commanding officer.  It means danger.  It means you need to be ready to act or run. I remember hovering at the door, not wanting her to know that I was there in order to mitigate the shame she would inevitably feel upon opening the door.  However, I also wanted her to sense my loving eleven-year-old presence that thought she was absolutely the most beautiful, strong, and perfect creature that ever walked the planet.  That all the times I watched her forcefully grab at the flesh of her thighs with such disdain or make a longing but judgemental comment about a woman’s body in the fashion magazine she was flipping through, I didn’t care about that.  I wanted her to see herself the way I saw her.  I wanted her to understand that my childish brain was making important connections between our bodies and the world.  Thin is beautiful.  Smooth skin is necessary to be loved.  Along with her weight, my mother had been battling psoriasis since she was five years old and I had never seen her wear shorts in public. She would often lay in the backyard hidden from sight, soaking up the sun as a prescription, but she never went swimming with me at the beach or took me to swimming lessons.  She would sit on the shore or sidelines, wearing long sleeve shirts or jeans regardless of how hot and humid the temperature was.  I thought to myself unless you have a thin, smooth-skinned body, life is just not for you.  And, it made my heart ache.  For my mother.  For the lost opportunities to share special moments.  For the little girl inside of me, who once believed that she was perfect no matter what, and who had now been indoctrinated that love and acceptance don’t come for free.  You pay with your flesh.  To be in your body is to live in your shame.

So How Do We Repair?

Exercise: Every Part of You Belongs

What you need:  mirror, quiet space, room to move, playlist

It's time to free up some space for the wholeness and the fullness of the body you live in. Regardless of the shape or size, the state of health, or dis-ease that it is in, your body is YOURS. Take a deep breath, and put your hand on your heart. Say this to yourself, out loud. "At this moment, I choose to be IN my body.”  Whether you love your body or not, it IS the house you are living in, in this lifetime. Your body is your vehicle for your transformation. As Liz Koch said, founder of Core Awareness and Stalking Wild Psoas, - we need to change our understanding of our body from an OBJECT to a LIVING PROCESS. Let that sink in.

Find a safe space, where you can completely relax and be undisturbed. Make sure that you have a mirror. Full length is best, but if that is unavailable, a bathroom-size mirror will do.  For this first round, choose something comfortable to wear, but that makes you feel good. Fabrics that let your body breathe, fabrics that are soft against your skin, or fabrics that flow or hug your body just right. You may choose to move around in your favourite bra and underwear, a flowing dress, or your favourite oversize t-shirt.

It's time to WELCOME all aspects of your body. Start by asking yourself "WHERE DO I FEEL RADIANT?" Turn on the music (either the playlist I've provided or your own) and begin by swaying your body back and forth while rubbing your hands together to create warmth in your palms. Move them back and forth, faster and faster, until you feel a natural climax - then release your hands onto your face, and let the heat of your hands move over your face. Move slowly as your move your hands from your face to your shoulders, sweeping your arms, moving over your belly, your sides, your back, and your bottom. As you move to the music sweep your hands over your pelvis, your vulva, and down the insides and outsides of your thighs, knees, legs, ankles feet. Begin this process a second time, starting with the warming of the hands, and this time as you move them over each aspect of your body say out loud "YOU BELONG". Then allow your arms to move around you acknowledging the space around your body, your aura space as the valuable extension of your physical body.

** NOTE ** 

Notice any sensations that arise. Perhaps there is conditioning to view this style of movement as sexual, and if so, what does that mean for you? Perhaps you notice areas of your body that you don't like, can you dig deeper and actually offer that area of your body more touch, more awareness, more compassion - as you would a child? We want to welcome back all of the orphaned parts of our bodies and gently bring them back into our home.

Of course, there may be aspects of our physical body that need attention. Better nourishment. More movement. Support from a health professional. Physical therapy. Etc. But believe me, when I say, the body responds to LOVING ATTENTION, not ALIENATION. So perhaps in the past, you've been able to force or manipulate it into a shape or performance, but how long did it last? How GOOD did it feel? Could you ever truly relax into that creation or did you feel hostage to ensuring it stayed that way? 

Free yourself right now, if only for a few moments.

"On top of the neglect of the body, modern society’s new racism, classism, ableism, sexism, and ageism, may be increasingly enacted through the politics of the body. By indoctrinating us with narratives that valorize thin, light-skinned, young, fit, and able bodies, a second layer of disembodiment captures most of us sooner or later and wreaks havoc with our bodyfulness”.

-Christine Caldwell

This is an excerpt from my book in progress and online course UnShame My Story. Please sign up for my SOUL NOTES newsletter to be the first to know when this popular course will run again.

To work with me please email soulmavenhood@gmail.com